"Bit taters - off to get me weasel !!"

This morning I was clearing out a cupboard when I found a couple of small books belonging to " The Old Pot and Pan " ( Old man / husband)

The first one was a book of Cockney Rhyming slang ( hence my title), so instead of getting on with everything I should be doing I've been learning a bit of the "Ole Cockney".

It's actually quite easy to learn !

"It's a bit taters this morning "( taters meaning "Potatoes on the mould" = cold , I'm off to get me weasel "( weasel & stoat = coat)

With me so far ??

"I've just been on the dog "( Dog and bone = phone) to Mrs Chant" ( my aunt) to see if she wants some kidney punch" ( lunch) after she's had her barnet done "( barnet fair = hair). "So we'll go down the frog and toad ( road), see my skin and blister ( sister) at the Rub - a -dub -dub (pub) and have a tiddly wink ( drink). If it starts to Pleasure and Pain ( Rain ) I'll take the old jam jar "( car ).

The other book ( being very educational) is titled "The little book of farting !". I'm not sure where it came from or why he got it but nothing really surprises me any more.

It was written by a Professor Bromcie who believe it or not has won awards for his research into farting at high altitude ( The award won him the prestigious YAK award from the University of Nepal !).

The book has a disclaimer at the front warning persons not to light their own fart or that of another persons and the fact that the author and publisher are not liable in any way !!

It contains chapters on Farting etiquette, the dangers of farting, farting personalities, farting types and even wise words on wind.

My husband has spent my hard earned money on this book!!!

I've picked out some bits;

• Men apparantly fart on average 15 - 17 farts in 24 hours with women 8-9 (!)
• The record is 145 farts in 24 hours
• When dating you should wait for the 4th date before farting
• Never fart and embrace your lover whilst wearing an overcoat as hot air rises
• At work - never drop one in someone elses office and then leave!( I know someone who used to fart on some ones chair before they got in who shall remain nameless !!!!)
• Farting in bed and pulling back the covers to sniff one's own fart is apparantly an acceptable practice (!) however pushing your loved one's head under or "Dutch ovening" is a crime against humanity
• Inhaling a fart at close range can eventally poison and kill you !!!!!!!!!

Now that I've been completely educated - I'll leave you with these quotes;

"All citizens shall be allowed to pass gas whenever necessary" Claudius Caesar

"A fabis abstinetes" ( Eat no Beans) Pythagoras

Too much for me I'm off to collect my "saucepan lids" ( kids) !!