The laziest Blogger in Town !

Well so far I've missed out on not one but two "My Town Monday Posts "( Sorry Travis!)

I honestly do not know where the time has gone to but in my defence I have been running around like a "Blue A*sed Fly" ( Where did that phrase originate from ? - I'll have to google it)

Any way - work has been hectic, we've survived Sam's SATS exams, finally bought a Holy Communion outfit for Georgie for her big day on 14th June, made preparations for Sam's school trip and just lived the normal toil of shopping, washing , cooking , cleaning, being taxi driver for the kids activities and working extra to be able to pay for them !

We're now on a weeks break from school and work and so far have had a lovely time. The weather has been pretty miserable with non stop rain all over the Bank holiday weekend - hopefully it will cheer up a bit for the rest of the week before we all have to go back.

Last week I nearly " came a cropper". I was at home and had a peaceful couple of hours all to myself. I had had a busy morning and was feeling a little jaded so went upstairs and thought I would have a lie down before picking the kids up from school.

In the corner of the room I spotted an item which my Mum had very kindly given me for Christmas. It was a leg massager- " designed to relieve and relax tired legs".

Feeling a bit intrigued, I clambered off the bed and picked up the box.

I looked at the instructions on the outside which depicted some a coloured ultra sound "before and after" pair of legs - the tired legs and the " not so tired legs" and thought that I would investgate further.

Upon opening the box my first reaction was the unmistakeable pungent plastic smell of "Made in Taiiwan" aroma.

Inside the box was a small control box, copious amounts of rubber piping and a pair of light blue plastic zipped calf length boots.

There was also a small sheet of instructions which seemed to be in 50 different languages. Being rather impatient and not having time to fully read all of the documentation I decided that it didn't look that difficult to assemble and carried on regardless.

Slowly I unzipped the calf length plastic boots and squeezed both my legs and feet into each one until I was fully contained in a mummified stance.

I then had to connect a series of plastic tubing to several valves which seemed to run up and down each boot.

The finally stage seemed to be to wire the whole lot to the mains electricity supply. This I did by removing my bed side table lamp and plugging the wired boots into the socket.

I felt good and ready to be re energised.

I lay back down on the bed and turned on the TV.

I then adjusted the control on the boots, which did not seem to have any numbers on it but just a button that made a click noise.

I clicked the button a few times. It didn't seem to do much so I clicked it again about another 6 or 7 times.

I became aware of air flowing through into the valves and up into the boots themselves.

I can cope with this I thought and clicked the switch again. The poorly written instructions stated that the recommended treatment was for 60 minutes.

The boots filled with air which made the already snug plastic fit feel quite tight around my legs and feet. The pressure then released and then filled with air again.

I lay on the bed for about 15 minutes watching the telly but started to feel a little bit uncomfortable.

I tried to turn the control button down - "click click" - no effect.

"Click click" - nothing.

I looked down at my feet - my toes were a bright blue/ purple colour !!

Oh My God what's happening ! , I thought.

The next minute - the worse thing happened - "Ding dong".

There was some one at the door.

I had been expecting a delivery - a wedding present for a friend, whose party we were going to the next day.

I couldn't move my by now purple cramped feet. The air pipe was still pushing more air into my now Michelin man sized boots - and they were likely to pop at any minute.

I tried to manoeuvre myself off the bed with my legs splaying like a blue windmill.

I clicked the machine and with a Whoosh - more air started to fill the boots.

"Ding dong" went the door again.

I landed in a sumo stance on the floor still attached to the 50 metres of pipe work.

My toes looked like swollen blueberries and were getting really painful.

I scrabbled for the machine - there was no on/ off switch that I could readily see, so I then yanked out the plug and like a dimented woman started to tug and pull at the copious tubing sticking in all directions.

Because of the pressure that had built up this was not as easy as I had hoped.

I managed to get one of the tubes off and "Whooooooooosh" - the air started to release and the pressure which was by now starting to cut into my legs eased.

I hobbled across the room making a series of rip roaring fart noises as I went from my lower legs as the air pipes were being ripped off.

"Ding dong"

"I'm coming !" , I yelled, half in pain , half in relief and half in despair of the delivery driver going.

When I opened the door , still wearing my boots, pipes and half a control box trailing in the hall, I casually signed the paperwork , took in my parcel and bid the driver farewell - well it could have been a fashion statement for all he knew !
I'm sure that he had seen worse ????

It took a further 10 minutes before I could actually totally remove the plastic boots from my feet as my feet were so swollen.

I was left with the feeling of having pins and needles when your feet don't feel real or even a part of your body - not quite sure that it was rejuvenating but I did have a good laugh afterwards!

My Mum thought it was hysterical when I told her what had happened - it certainly was an entertaining present.

I've attached a photo of the boots - in case you have any gifts to buy or indeed you are trying to subtly kill someone with the threat of thrombosis or toe amputation !!